Bound up.

Gross but true. I swear I didn't go the bathroom barely at all this weekend! What IS that?!?! Today however, I'm back in the game...extra sucky when you're at work. Let's just move my desk in there...shall we?

My weekend in a word was "undiciplined". Saturday night I had 1.5 pieces of deep dish pizza and a breadstick. Barely any water. Sunday we had a kids birthday party...I ate a sloppy joe, baked beans, cheetos and fritos. Oh, and a piece of cake and scoop of ice cream. Brilliant, eh? I just didn't want to care. I didn't want to think about it. A trap in the past. Something I slide into. I'm catching myself right here. Today is a new day. It's also a new week. Some goals this week are...

1. Exercise 5 days. 30 minutes minimum.

2. Drink at least 80 ozs of water a day.

3. GET READY for work daily. Meaning makeup and nice clothes. No baseball caps and makeup when I get to work.

4. Tracking ALL my food/calories.

I need to SEE what I'm putting in my mouth and be accountable for it. I need to SEE why on Friday if I don't see a nice loss...WHAT I did wrong that week. I'm still very frustrated about last Friday. I know, get over it already...but it's hard. I felt like I was a FREAKING ROCK STAR all week...to no avail!

Ugh. It's a new day! :) Thankfully the scale showed me mercy this a.m. and I was 198.6. No more 200's. NO MORE.

Here's to a great week ahead...

"Failure"

It went like this...I spent the week being mindful of my choices. Chugging water. Eating tons of veggies. I spent yesterday struggling allllll day worrying about the baby shower I had to attend. I talked it out with Jen and she gave me all the encouragement I needed. I wore a RED rubber band around my wrist to remember not to eat at the shower. I had eaten dinner before I left you see? I was SO worried about cheating I even brushed my teeth before I went. I made it through the shower with SUCCESS. I was feeling GOOD about this morning. Today...

Weigh in day.

I was so hopeful. SO ready to see a BIG loss this week. I am feeling thinner. (Yes, I know I'm NOT actually thinner yet...but just the confident feeling you get when you're eating right and not all bloated to heck!) I had "gained" a pound last week. I should EASILY see that gone...plus more...

Right?

I woke up feeling excited! I was chugging along! I was making PROGRESS! I was GOING DOWN on that scale!! YAY FOR ME!

And then...I stepped on the scale.

197.6.

Wait a second. I was 197.2 yesterday a.m. I ate well all day. No sodium ladden foods. I drank my water. I refrained at the baby shower...

What?

I got back on the scale again. Surely it was a mistake.

197.6.

I got off again. And on again. And off again...

FOUR TIMES I did this. I am 197.6.

I started talking out loud. Talking to the Lord, knowing I'm making progress. Knowing HE is in control. I know it's a PROCESS. I know it's not immediate. I do know these things...so I kept my head held high. Got ready for work, had a fabulous morning...it's okay I thought. I'm doing this. I'll get there.

Then I got here...to work...and I opened this blog. I opened my stats section. I typed in my weight...and noted my "loss". It feels like failure. I started to tear up (a feat for me...let me tell you...haha). HOW did I only lose BARELY a half a pound?! HOW?! I am angry. I want to cry. The small part of me I was suppressing that was DESTROYED by my "failure" on the scale was now SCREAMING at me.

"It's not fair!!!" She yelled. "I denyed myself this week!" "I ate GOOD things!" "I made GOOD CHOICES!"

I'm not going to pretend I feel good about this. I'm TRYING to see the bigger picture. I am constantly being shown that this is a process. Through my reading. Through the radio. I'm trying to learn to draw near to Him. The GOAL is spiritual growth, losing weight is just going to be a by-product...I "know" these things. I really do.

...but it's still a TOTAL BUMMER to work physically hard for diddly squat.

I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up. I'm pressing on.

This journey is about self control. That is being beaten into my head time and time again. Maybe this is a part of learning...

Onto the weekend. I'm going to have a good, healthy one!

Fear not!

I am afraid.

I have a baby shower tonight to attend. You know what that entails...yummy food. Candies, cakes...punch...

Scary for someone with a. little self control and b. who has to weigh in tomorrow.

I know I can defeat this. I know I can eat before I go. I CAN. But it's still scary to put yourselves in situations you're unsure of so early in the game. Before you're resolve is fully built. It's a success for failure for the old me. But...this is a new day. I am strong. I choose to be strong. I WILL choose to make healthy choices daily. I will eat before I go. I will NOT eat sweets of any kind. I will drink WATER or diet pop at the shower. I can do this.

I had church last night...during worship service I just let the Lord fill me. I worshipped Him. I'm learning that I am going to HAVE to hold on to Him to do this. I prayed all the way to work...today is His. I am His. I am drawing near to Him and learning about me...the me HE created me to be. I am loved. I am cherished. I am worthy of good things. I am beautiful. I need to start living like I believe those things. Loving MYSELF the way He loves me.

I will not be afraid - because greater is He that is IN ME...than he that is in the world! (Or the cake...)

New Ground...

Saw 197.2 this a.m. on the scale. I weighed that on Friday, January 14. Onto NEW GROUND for this Friday's weigh in, shall we? Yeah for moving down in the right direction!

Two great things I read last night in this book...

1. "I consume food. Food does NOT consume me." Basic yet, oh so powerful! Think about it!! It's food. Fuel for our bodies. It's not something that heals us. It's not a person who can hug us, listen to us. It's FUEL. Plain and simple. Let go and let it be what it is...fuel.

2. Everytime I get a craving for something unhealthy...PRAY instead. By letting the Lord meet my need and denying food it's hold on me...I am accomplishing something BIG. I am letting Him meet my needs! This is the root of it all...

I can do this. I will do this. Great book - I highly recommend and I'm only on Chapter 3! :)

This is the day the Lord has made - I will REJOICE and be glad in it! I am made in HIS image, I'm going to start treating myself like I'm HIS. I'm worth more than JUNK in and out day after day!

Weekend Success!

I did it!

I kept my weight down this weekend. I didn't OVEREAT. Yay me! I did have a minor fail and didn't get my daily water in...but was happy to see the scale stayed at 198.8 this a.m.

This is the first weekend of the year that it hasn't crept up back over 200. This week I am going to make progress and hit new ground!!!

I had the Hubs take "before" pictures this weekend. Once I'm down a bit I will share them with the world. I am embarrassed that this is how I look. Embarrassed for him to take them...even though he sees me daily, at my worst, and without clothing. Something about "documenting" your "flaws" or "failure" is just sad and embarrassing.

I'm so thankful that I have a loving husband who loves me for ME...in spite of me being heavy, he is always supportive no matter what weight I am at. This is a double edged sword in a way... ;)

Anyway, on to new ground this week!

Oh! I got my book in - Made to Crave. I am so excited to start reading, to go Deeper in Christ and find my purpose in HIM. Not in food, or emotional eating...and knowing with His strength, I will be successful in getting to a healthy weight.

Testing will surely come...

Planning is something I admit, I stink at. I can plan for everyone else in my family...but not for myself. I set myself up for failure today at lunch.

Instead of my usual lunch run, I ran home to get some stuff together and clean up the house a bit while it was empty. This left me shaky and starving with nothing quick to grab in the house to eat. As I headed back to work I went back and forth in my head the healthy options I could pick up. All required me to actually GET OUT of my car and go get them. The one option I could "drive through"? McDonalds.

First mistake.

Looking at the menu and seeing the new fruit oatmeal they were serving (ALL DAY) which I think looks delicious..."try that!" the thin girl inside SCREAMED at me... The fat girl yelled back "but that's NOT ENOUGH to fill you up...you have a lonnnnng afternoon ahead". "But it LOOKS GOOD" screamed the thin girl! "Not enough FOOD!" fought the fat girl.

Fat girl won.

I ordered my old standby. Double cheeseburger, medium fry, diet coke.

I drove away starving and angry. WHY did I just do that? I grabbed a fry. It tasted gross. Plain. I opened the cheeseburger. Took a bite. Not even good. I'm feeling sick so I work on the burger and finish all but a few bites of the bun. I ate a few more fries (maybe 8 total) and threw it away.

Partial thin girl victory I suppose. But why did I even do it? Because I didn't prepare. Because I let myself get to the shaking, starving place. I can't think straight when I'm there.

Now I'm left still partially hungry because I threw the food away out of guilt (good move). I have healthier options here I can snack on.

I have to do better. I will do better.

Weigh In #3

Was a freaking bust! I even busted my butt last night on my bike...

I thought I had an okay week...I think I overdid it on the sodium. I can't have setbacks this early in the game...I have "25" lbs to lose! :) (That was for you, oh, weight loss sister of mine...)

I have slacked this week on journaling...so back to it I go.

NO OVEREATING THIS WEEKEND! No CHEATING WITH JUNK THIS WEEKEND! I am NOT going to weigh 200 lbs again on Monday morning!