Thursday, March 17, 2011

I'm here! :)

Should let so much time go by without saying something, anything...but I just don't have anything earth shattering to report.

Should I just be typing my feelings? Even when they seem to be the same feelings over and over and...well...over?

I was talking to the lovely and talented Jen yesterday. I was wondering about something. Where does the "root" of my issue come from? Sure, the people in my family weren't the healthiest growing up. I come from a family that loves food. But I remember as a kid...playing outside ALL day. Running, biking...and running some more. I loved it. Around 5th grade I started to pudge up...6th grade even more so. I found particular moments in my life where I realized I had a problem.

Sometime around 5th-6th grade:

. My uncle who I hadn't seen in a while (who by the way is an illiterate piece of white trash child molester - just sayin') says to me upon seeing me, "boy you're getting kind of fat aren't you?" I remember being horrified, angry and just plain hurt. Even at that age I thought WHAT? Who is HE to say anything to me about how I look? But most of all...it just hurt. I was what, 11 or 12?

. A teen in our youth group (older prob 17ish...cute...and deaf) was at our house for a youth party. I saw him signing with my aunt. He looked at an older family picture of me. He signed to her thin (pointing at the pic), then FAT and "what happened?". He was smiling/laughing at this. Making fun of a kid...nice. This was especially humiliating because I thought he was cute. REALLY cute. Broke my heart...and dang, just hurt. Even know typing this I can feel the hurt and humiliation.

. Sixth grade playground. I was on the tire swing...and another boy made a comment about me being fat. I remember slugging him...so good for me on that one...but still. Hurt, embarrassment...anger.

The question is...how did these things mold me into what I am today? And MOST importantly how do I "fix" it.

I know that I am loved. I have the most amazing, loving husband a girl could ever ask for. I've said in the past how he finds me beautiful and attractive no matter what weight I am at. That is a miracle to me. I don't understand it, but I sure am thankful. Even more important than my husbands love...I have the Father's love. I read scriptures and KNOW that He loves me deeper and stronger than anyone else ever could. Yet, I choose to look to other things to fill my "holes" in my heart.

I know this journey is about healthiness...but I also know my issues aren't solved by being a nice, healthy weight. I'd like to pretend they will be. I mean geez, being THIN? How can life be BAD at that size??

But then I remember...I remember being thin. I never thought I was beautiful or attractive. I wasn't self confident. I had a boyfriend yet cringed at the thought of him seeing my body without clothes. I was never comfortable in a bathing suit, etc.

Self worth. I know it's all tied in there somewhere. I know that the Lord is where my worth lies, in Him. Through His grace and mercy and love.

Self control. Another biggie. I was reading in Made to Crave about gluttony. Eating too much (like the 5 rice krispie treats I ate Tuesday night in one sitting - sigh...) at one time is a sin. We pretend it isn't...I mean it's just FOOD right? But isn't a person who drinks so much alcohol they become an alcoholic and destroy their body sinning? Truly? What about the drug addict? We as Christians tend to easily put labels on those people as needing the Lords deliverance...from overindulgence...yet we have our dinners and potlucks and keep eating. Destroying OUR bodies...yet not even seeing that we, too...are sinning.

Anyway, those are things that the Lord is showing me in this journey. I need to take them to heart. I need to live these things daily. Remember why I'm doing this...and keep drawing near to the Lord to help me fill the holes with His love. His acceptance. Not food.

Weight: 196.2 (grrrr...)

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