"Failure"

It went like this...I spent the week being mindful of my choices. Chugging water. Eating tons of veggies. I spent yesterday struggling allllll day worrying about the baby shower I had to attend. I talked it out with Jen and she gave me all the encouragement I needed. I wore a RED rubber band around my wrist to remember not to eat at the shower. I had eaten dinner before I left you see? I was SO worried about cheating I even brushed my teeth before I went. I made it through the shower with SUCCESS. I was feeling GOOD about this morning. Today...

Weigh in day.

I was so hopeful. SO ready to see a BIG loss this week. I am feeling thinner. (Yes, I know I'm NOT actually thinner yet...but just the confident feeling you get when you're eating right and not all bloated to heck!) I had "gained" a pound last week. I should EASILY see that gone...plus more...

Right?

I woke up feeling excited! I was chugging along! I was making PROGRESS! I was GOING DOWN on that scale!! YAY FOR ME!

And then...I stepped on the scale.

197.6.

Wait a second. I was 197.2 yesterday a.m. I ate well all day. No sodium ladden foods. I drank my water. I refrained at the baby shower...

What?

I got back on the scale again. Surely it was a mistake.

197.6.

I got off again. And on again. And off again...

FOUR TIMES I did this. I am 197.6.

I started talking out loud. Talking to the Lord, knowing I'm making progress. Knowing HE is in control. I know it's a PROCESS. I know it's not immediate. I do know these things...so I kept my head held high. Got ready for work, had a fabulous morning...it's okay I thought. I'm doing this. I'll get there.

Then I got here...to work...and I opened this blog. I opened my stats section. I typed in my weight...and noted my "loss". It feels like failure. I started to tear up (a feat for me...let me tell you...haha). HOW did I only lose BARELY a half a pound?! HOW?! I am angry. I want to cry. The small part of me I was suppressing that was DESTROYED by my "failure" on the scale was now SCREAMING at me.

"It's not fair!!!" She yelled. "I denyed myself this week!" "I ate GOOD things!" "I made GOOD CHOICES!"

I'm not going to pretend I feel good about this. I'm TRYING to see the bigger picture. I am constantly being shown that this is a process. Through my reading. Through the radio. I'm trying to learn to draw near to Him. The GOAL is spiritual growth, losing weight is just going to be a by-product...I "know" these things. I really do.

...but it's still a TOTAL BUMMER to work physically hard for diddly squat.

I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up. I'm pressing on.

This journey is about self control. That is being beaten into my head time and time again. Maybe this is a part of learning...

Onto the weekend. I'm going to have a good, healthy one!